portablemortal

none of which is to say
i am not in this til the death of it
or i.
i am.
i love hard / and loving's hard / when it comes easy / such as this.
lips, kissing makes a melt of me.
dreams of fields and oceans lately.
our bodies make sense of one another, sense each other.
other? those times we aren't...
i could gag on my romantic, gaping adoration. quest where it comes from.
too late for that
!
embrace it, rub it down....
mmm, ha!

it's on, it's taken off, it's begunning gunning, it's outta my hands but i've got its back, i'm pushing it forward but it's ovah already. it's suddenly something. it's gotta life of its own, it's onto it, it's going off and gonna get down and coming up and i couldn't stop it if i wanted to.

well i could. (and the power there... oh no, oh whoa)
but the energy it'd take to do that is now beyond the energy i'll need to pull it off. to put it on.
putting on: a dress. a costume. it's really almost time for that. planning the eventual leads to planning the Event.



it's a little thing, in the scheme of things. it's more than i've attempted ever. its success is un-quantifiable. un-qualitative. (i wish we had better words for this in english. all these prefixes qualifying qualifiers.)

so i pull some cards for this birthing... cause it is a personal thing. among its many collaborations (and ohh they are many, and i knee to them, stretch high to shout for them).

1. justice, reversed. (here now) lesson?: investigate the meaning, accept the outcome. relinquish decision making. in other words: out of my hands indeed.
2. 4 of discs, reversed. (situation) : letting go of possession(s), of material control. (oh!)
3. shaman of swords. (challenge) : emotionally detached. outspoken awareness and fairness. balance, cunning, cutting and ideology in practice.
4. 5 of discs. (root, base) : run down and tired. ill health. tension in the body. insecurity, feeling lacking, worked. yesiam low in my manna i gotta say i gotta survive this.
5. priestess of discs, reversed. (recent past) : lesson?: fire and brimstone, distortion. lession?: know your dark side, integrate and trust it. listen in.
6. 9 of discs, reversed. (head, crown, conscious) : i think this is me thinking about what happens next - what it means... 9 of discs upright is process and planning, so reversed it's somehow wanting more or less from that process than What Is. lesson?: what is.
7. 2 of swords, reversed (near future) : indecision, imbalance. ...more of the same, really... the teetering.
8. son of cups, reversed (self-concept) : 'experiencing a negative reaction to the increased demands of the world upon you - you are a passive person being pushed towards action or commitment and you do not like it. Without "outwardly" resisting - you still resent the demands being made of you. This attitude can result in a wall between yourself and the people who are making you act out your responsibilities and if you allow it to continue - - - ' what terri called me out on, touche.
9. ace of discs. (hopes and fears). new being, new beginning. getting concrete results, getting down to earth, achieving tangible results. when the idea morphs into the actual, the present.
10. 7 of wands. (others). battles of will. all wanting one's ownness. fighting to be heard. resisting collaboration. the desire card, the challenge of working with other('s) aims and still accomplishing one's own... at the expense of none.
11. son of wands, reversed (outcome #1) danger : indecision, rash behavior, stress, disruption, feeling out of control or like it's out of your hands...
12. sun (outcome #2) : yay. 'glory, gain, triumph, pleasure, truth, success.' the return of light after long dark nights. your day in the sun. warmth, community, and shiny happy people.



if i ever do this again (and of course i will never do this like this again) i cannot will not do it like this.
but i'm learning!
loads, dad.
like:
- delegating responsibility, especially when i'm questioning the strength of my own
- outsourcing when my own resources run low (aaron michelle and joey i owe you some)
- reaching into the network
... to share responsibility so i'm not the only one invested
... to kick up on connections...
like: keeping an itinerary
keeping to a schedule of sorts

many more and then just but running with it.

- learning to do what i haven't learned to do yet
- and getting through the discomfort of it
- making lists, mom
- and crossing it off

taking criticism - wittily, stoically, as generosity.

being vehicle, but including the I
undermining and investigating, sandbagging and smokescreening my own positionality.

spearheading (with solomon) something much bigger than my heart, hips and head is...

in cap and plaid he combs and clips so wet hair spears fall floorward

parts and splits ends, snips and bends forward

"last year when the cicadas were all out" he crouches while conversing

blue jeaned knees bend, kick out for seat to steady in on

client's head

axl rose rises from the garden in the background

our only garden here is planted in two pots and window cups of winter green

he's good with plants and cats

and bruises me with teeth and kisses

misses me in bed he said this morning

while i woke up breathless blocks away

anxious exile, grasping for air

while he cuts hair

c city
chi, shy
brilliant and violent
gathering its troops/its tall buildings close to its center,
holding its cards close
chicago bricked up for the winter and summer's the same the heat just hides it
in heat wave mirages and sweat, in opposites,
in paying equally for air and for heat all year round
chicago shakes me
elates me, raises and razes me
chicago something lawless,
pulled over 3 times and never a ticket and always a warning to the neighborhood
no good
whats a girl like me....
city in the midst of the west east divide, the rivers and plains plainly rolling out for miles from here,
last urban outpost, second city in from la or ny or
chicago it's been fun but fuck, youre killin me
killed he we me already, what the fuck chicago
go chica chica chica go get on out of here, ya hear...

and i can't await

my all-new (all-singing, all-dancing) boyfriend is deep in a world of warcraft
oh jeezis it begins again.
i ain't
doin his dishes
when i cook for him
i am bending over ass out climbing up on his lap tho
while he plays digital games
i am brushing up on my eyelids
brushing up on my photoshop skills
i am makin it work
all kindsa ways
and still wondering what what well
what the hell.

sipping mulled wine
time after time.
we watch movies in his sidelittle room.
he starts to cut my hair and stops:
too much wine he says. in the morning on point he will.
i will
be here
in the morning.

i'm his GF there
i cook him soup on soup night while my family eats in california, talks about me
(no doubt)
i'm excited for the future,
imagine that!

i play my music loud and shake my arse all through his cutting room.
he grabs me over the stove and pulls my nipples out, sideways eyes me.
i went to the doctor today to find out i was virus-clean
i put my name on a list for learning my fertility
i am on no Pill
by this time i trust
Whatever.

in the next week i have to

design the website and work it out with aaron h
design the fliers (2 kinds)
get the fliers printed
silkscreen the others
write numerous emails
set up a checking account
figure out ticket sales
document, document, document
get my reading for classes done
write papers for patrick
attend classes
go to work
pay bills with what now
design posters for VCS
revise budget
write something up for frank's talk
talk to Linda at H.S.
hustle hustle hustle
and surely i am forgetting something

tonight i have to

write another proposal for terri tomorrow
chill the fuck out

tattoo men, then, and bearded ones. the sum of them and exponentials. the ramsey theory referenced, within relational aesthetics. meta meta meta in dispute, we talk in numbers. '27' : ("i'm 27") '64' : ("will you still need me...?...will you still.") men thing, it's a man thing. it's a whoa, man thing. woman fling like boomerang bang. it comes back and back and back again. back to back nights. i took a flight, it didn't matter, my mad hatter lost her hat that night, s'alright.
it's late. later than. back to my outlaws embodied in these 4 + me too = 5 star. and there we were and here we are:

he: used to be an artist. he does hair. bb in his arm and harmful wrist, this. he needs surgery, an operation. we operate within eachother, wide eyed and squinting both. we quote and coffee. banter without slander. true new blue : jeans and my eyes. he's got my first belly beside my own pudge. i rub and rub and rub.

he (2): effervescent neighbor, relentless questioner. freckled man jammin dance and lancing verbal, interpreter. we read and read eachother. we think and think around it, avoid it, exploit it. he whips up salmon with a healthy dose of garlic, and later at the bar burps and squirts it airily out at me. we are friends, and lovely. flirtatious, cautiously.

he (3): came in from california. all i know from his mouth alone is this: we talk of west coast border lines and histories combined. much more spoken in the subtle 'so i heard.' word. i take the observations in, the condensensation between the two of them. she said: he's not what you'd expect of him. but he is.

she: oh melly me. where to divide the times we've spent, and lent, and rent, and bent all out of into shape together? my other, either, better, bitter? they call me her dark matter her. i know her more than splitting ends so simply like. we drink and speak and when the weather turns we'll bike. we've shared one gone and more in the interstices of talking and gawking. exist in evening twinlike, raucous, climbing. falling into other heads and beds and love then.

me: not her. renegading this virtual for a 5 am spill. i have pills to take and costumes to make... rely on ellipsis. menaces and aces. tarot questions and small deceptions. lines of 'i am' but what i was was. over it.

(miss z)

here
is a little corner room
a flat screen monitor
and dark blue walls
a haircut happening
around the corner
and talk of genetically modified plants and food

beanbags
and a cat seat
neat without clean
and magazines
buzzers
and batteries
black coffee
no tea

i have not slept at home
for what feels like weeks
but i return for oatmeal
eyelashes
chargers and fresh clothes
trying not to wonder where this new wind blows
just spins the windmill round the heart place
and the breast plate